Gunpowder, treason and plot...

Remember, remember the fifth of November,
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot...

I've always found this rhyme a bit odd. Nothing happened! It was a non-event! Why do we need to remember an event that didn't happen? Guy Fawkes didn't blow up the Houses of Parliament, the King did not die, and for all we know Guy Fawkes himself might have been an innocent bystander who thought he was doing someone a favour by changing barrels of ale in a pub rather than rolling gunpowder into Parliament's cellars - and he was hung, drawn and quartered for his good will. After all, it was over 400 years ago. How do we REALLY know, eh? So, I find it strange that we celebrate by having bonfires and fireworks and burning effigies of poor Guy when nothing actually happened.

This, however, does not mean that I don't enjoy Bonfire Night, oh no. I do. I like the firework displays. And the bonfire. And sparklers. And I love the food. What I do not like, however, is really rubbish planning. Tonight, The Other Half and I set off to our local (I say local, it was 6 miles away) display in good time, all wrapped up against the cold. We drove around for 25 minutes searching for a parking space only to give up and defeated, we watched the display from an industrial estate a mile down the hill from the bonfire. Then we had the bright idea that by driving home over the hills, we'd be able to have a panoramic view of displays across the city. This would have been true if the fog on the hills wasn't so thick that we couldn't even see the road properly, never mind the horizon.

Anyway, what made it all better when we returned home, deflated, freezing and hungry, was the food. Jacket potatoes stuffed with cheese and leeks, herby sausages, and spicy onion soup. Topped off with a toffee apple and mug of hot chocolate. It doesn't get any better than that.

Trick or treat (or not)...

I'm too grumpy to write today. Not only did I fall asleep on the sofa mid-way into film three of my five-stops odyssey (Carrie. I dozed off just as Chris, Billy and gang broke into the pig pen for phase one of their stunt, and dreamt of that hideous glow-in-the-dark plastic Jesus in Carrie's closet), but not one single little person dressed in scary garb came a-calling, and this morning the awful truth dawned on me as I picked bits of popcorn and wrappers out of my hair that I'd eaten waaaaay too much Halloween chocolate and polished off a tad too much Tia Maria. Meh. I'm going to have to take the remaining sweets into work just so anyone but me can finish them.

And I'm depressed that every retailer in the world has now seemingly upped the advertising ante. Almost every commercial I've seen so far today has in some way or another related to Christmas. Whether its 'perfect gift ideas' (I wouldn't, however, call X-Factor rejects peddling more cover versions and seasonal tunes a perfect gift idea); Christmas scented air fresheners (more like pine trees and mulled wine smells, not the aroma of turkey carcass as I first thought); sofas with guaranteed before-Yule deliveries; every damned advert has had either jingly bells Christmas music or snowflake graphics and grinning idiots in Santa hats. And you just know that ALL the shops are going to be sickeningly bedecked with all their festive tat. The supermarkets have had Halloween and Christmas aisles running parallel for weeks.

It's the first day of November. NOVEMBER! We haven't even had bonfire night yet. I don't want to be made to feel guilty for not having started any Christmas shopping yet. Ooh I'm going to make something with my pumpkin remains before I throw something at the TV. Which may just happen if I hear those unmistakable strains of The Snowman or see that singing muppet, Aled flamin' Jones, presenting something inane. Hopefully whipping up a kitchen storm may remove my loathing.

It also may not.

Something wicked this way comes...

Okay, I have a bowl of mini-chocolaty things so tiny that if they weren't packaged, they'd be invisible; a carved pumpkin which may look like roadkill, but I've named him Eric and hope he's happy with my rubbish orange-scented tea light candles which actually smell more like petrol that anything citrussy; a black cat (who happens to be asleep, but never mind) and a pile of scary DVDs. I think I'm all set for Halloween. But what are these scary flicks, you may ask? (You may not be asking, of course, but I'm going to tell you anyway.) Well, some of them aren't so scary. But I class them as seasonal fun. And it wouldn't be Halloween without them.

• Halloween - well, obviously this one has to make an appearance. It'd be rude not to invite the original and best stalk n slash (in my opinion) along. With its tinkly soundtrack and baddie with a spray-painted mask, it's creepy with a capital C. See if you can spot the director's cigarette smoke in the shot where Michael hides behind the hedge. Always makes me smile.
• Arsenic and Old Lace - an oldie, but a goodie. Newlywed Cary Grant takes his missus to meet his two kindly old spinster aunts, only to discover they are in fact homicidal maniacs and who have been bumping off their gentlemen callers and hiding the bodies around the house. Much screwball hilarity ensues.
• Sleepy Hollow - I *heart* Tim Burton. You can spot one of his movies at 50 paces - they're all so visually stunning and weird. A strange little village is being terrorised by The Headless Horseman, so Johnny Depp is sent to employ order to this nonsense and solve the mystery. Christopher Walken plays the Horseman, complete with delightful filed-into-points teeth. And there's a lovely not-for-the-squeamish autopsy scene.
• Carrie - a bit contrived it may be, but I love the Stephen King book and I love the film. Those girls were so evil to her! Carrie's mother is a truly terrifying religious nutcase and I won't spoil the ending for anyone who hasn't seen it, but my cousin almost wet herself when we stealthily watched this together as 10 year olds.
• Hocus Pocus - my last, and highly embarrassing entry to this list. The kid from Eerie, Indiana (remember that? It rocked) accidentally brings back three hanged Salem witches from the dead to the modern day, where they try to steal the souls of children on Halloween in order to stay alive. You couldn't get much camper than Bette Midler (complete with a token song and dance routine), pre-SATC Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Najimy (the overtly happy nun from Sister Act) as the three witches, but it's lots of Disney fun.

Right, I'm armed with popcorn and off to the sofa. I just hope I get SOME little trick or treaters knocking on my door to take these sweets off my hands. Jeeezus, I sound like the gingerbread house witch in Hansel and Gretel.

Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble...

Well, how disappointing. Not one Halloween party to go to, after I'd planned a costume out and everything (in tribute to my recent hearing-Uma-Thurman-wee incident, I would have taken the guise of Pulp Fiction's Mia Wallace, complete with bloody nose, foaming mouth and foot-long hypodermic sticking out of my chest. I'd worked out how to get the needle to stick and the whole shebang). Oh, well. My razor sharp black bobbed wig and fake blood will just have to wait for an outing next year instead. Sigh. (Actually, I would have had an invite to the spookiest party in the world ever bar none, had the hosts not had the audacity to break up. Honestly, people can be so selfish. Didn't they know about my costume idea?!)

So, I've planned my annual film, pumpkin and chocolate fest for All Hallow's Eve in lieu of going out. I might not have the pumpkin carving down to a t yet (they somehow always end up looking a bit, well, retarded rather than scary) but I've nailed what to do with the leftover pumpkin flesh after I've carved my Jack O'Lantern. Some things I've tried and tested are:

Pumpkin Pie - this has gone down well whenever I've made it, and smells divine when its baking. Can be a bit squishy when first made, so let it cool and store overnight in the fridge before serving if you can, to firm it up. Chopped pecans make a very nice addition, as do mini marshmallows to decorate.

Risotto - looks so impressive and colourful, but is really simple to do. I've made this all year round using butternut squash if I couldn't get hold of a pumpkin (as you tend to see pumpkins for a period of about 3 weeks in October, they they mysteriously vanish). Extra nice if you stir in some chopped chestnuts.

Cheesecake - people often think that cheesecakes are really complicated affairs, but this is delicious and again, not difficult at all to do. You can often buy the bases ready made if you're apprehensive. Even more indulgent served with ice cream, and decorated with toffee sauce and pecan nuts.

Spicy seeds - great if you have tons of seeds leftover and really don't know what to do with them. Mix in some chunky nuts like cashews for some extra crunch, or you can jazz them up with different flavours - I found a chili and lemon spice mix which works well, or go for all-out volcanic heat and use jerk and Tabasco.

Pumpkin Soup - the easiest thing to make ever, and you can bulk it up with all sorts of things like sweet potato, parsnip, even garlic mashed potato or something. Or add a bit of orange juice and coriander for some zing. You can't go wrong. Sprinkle some toasted pumpkin seeds on top to serve, and you're done.

Yum indeed. I might sample some new recipes with my pumpkin scoops this year. Anyway, off to purchase some trick or treat sweets now in case I get some little ghouls knocking on my door tomorrow evening; here's hoping I get some callers and don't end up devouring the stash myself.

Hello, darkness my old friend...

The nights are drawing in and the clocks have gone back, and my office is full of people complaining about getting up in the dark and leaving work in the dark. The car needed de-icing this morning. The winter cometh. It's fantastic! Cosy nights in are the business. But I was thinking, you really don't realise just how much you rely upon electricity for mundane things, especially when it's dark all the time. The other night we had a power cut of epic proportions (well, I say epic - it lasted for all of two hours. But the Law of Sod descended upon us and clicked the power off just as we'd settled down to watch a DVD).

Not just our house or even the street - it felt like the whole village had been knocked out when we stood outside and stared over a dark valley. The total blackness and rolling valley mist were quite creepy and atmospherical, and it would have been eerily quiet had it not been for the house alarms going off on their emergency power and the regulars in the pub down the road making their opinions on the matter known to all most profusely. None of this would have been so much of an issue in the summer - we'd have just gone outside and carried on as normal or lit the barbecue or something. But as it's October, I had to make do with trying to read a book by candlelight, which didn't last long. I got as far as three pages and gave up and went to bed - spilling my Ribena in the process. (Yes, I drink Ribena. No, I am not a five year old. Hey, it tastes nice.)

So, instead of counting sheep, I attempted to recall games you can play in the dark. And here they are (clean ones, people!):

• Murder in the Dark - I can't remember exactly how to play this; but remember it at birthday parties in dark rooms. It involved some sort of murderer, detective and suspect shenanigans, but the rules escape me. I seem to recall testing out several 'death poses' and fake fainting, however.
• Sardines - a version of hide and seek in the dark. One person hides and seekers move around in the dark whispering "sardines" and listening for a whispered response from the hidden person. Fairly boring, but there's the added danger of falling over something.
• Pimped-up hide and seek - use glow sticks, those stupid fibre optic pen things you get at firework displays and torches to play hide and seek indoors or out. Again, could be interesting if your garden is filled with exciting things like ponds. Mine is not.
• Ghost stories - a staple of pre-teen sleepovers, usually resulting in weaker members of the herd crying to go home for fear of the serial killer with a hook. Usually involved sitting in a circle taking turns to pass a torch around and tell a story. Many sweets were consumed.
• Twister in the dark - does what it says on the tin. Things could potentially get a bit risque and you should really be careful where you put your foot. Ooh er.
• Glow-in-the-dark cocktail party - not really a game, but this idea is wearing thin and I'm clutching at straws now. Use glow-in-the-dark martini glasses and provide glow-in-the-dark accessories for guests to wear. This sounds like more fun than games anyway. I'd happily swig a cocktail anytime, day-glo or otherwise.

Oh, I can't remember anything else. The power surge must have shorted out my head as well as my house. Perhaps that's why this working week is so supremely awful.

All the leaves are brown...

Well, they're getting there. They're turning, at least. A couple of weeks ago we ushered in the first official day of Autumn, apparently. I love it. I'm one of those odd people who will go out of their way to step on a crunchy looking leaf (I even joined the Facebook group with other such strange leaf-steppers to let the world know about my addiction) and I've been looking forward to this season all year. I can't quite put my finger on what it is about Autumn that I love - the word 'Autumn' for a start, I suppose. It just sounds leafy and crunchy. I'm also one of those outcasts of society who doesn't give two figs about summer and could quite happily live without it. None of this SAD business. Bring on the elements!

I think it's the seasonal food and smells of Autumn that I love, too. Ginger and cinnamon and berries and other such scrumptious stuff. Ooh, and pumpkins. You can't beat carving a pumpkin (although mine usually end up looking like roadkill) and making a batch of pumpkin soup with the scooped out bits. Some mornings you can almost taste the frostiness even though it's a clear, bright day. A bit like today. Another Autumnal pleasure is walking down a tree-lined avenue when a gust of wind suddenly creates confetti made of foliage. I have to try and catch them. It's a law. I can often be seen outside running after leaves as if they were fluttering £20 notes.

I had been hoping that Central Park was starting to turn all shades of Fall when we were there a couple of weeks ago - but sadly, summer was just ending and the air was still warm. No Fall colours yet. Anyway, we made up for it this weekend with a wander along the Derwent which was just lovely. Although I did manage to slide - standing up - down a slippy hill, and as mud is attracted to me like a magnet, my jeans ended up with polka dot splodges and my boots are now a delightful shade of cacky brown.

Really must invest in some wellies.